Dream of Invocation

The second snow in 2009 as I know dropped at the end of September in Chinese calendar, my mum told me it never had happened so early in her life. My father left in the morning, of course with much disappointment. The snow somehow showed my cold heart, like falling to the bottom of the current life cycle. It reminds me when I moved to Reading last year, observing people moving in and moving out, I was wondering where could I go when I graduate. It become an obvious question now. After months’ time hunting for a proper job, I am still waiting right here and staying in the room. I questioned myself and the society, maybe I don’t really know enough about the society, nor am I so outstanding. Initially I was confident, well prepared both mentally and physically when flying back. But when I know more how the capital market functions, and become familiar with how competitive the graduates are, I am lost and find no way; the only last thing left is the little worthless honur. Moreover, the invisible relationship could strongly influence the distribution of the job opportunities.

When I was trying to watch the newly released film about the end of the world, I came across the film about the founding of the country. They began with nothing but ended with everything, it was tough and risky in all the steps. Maybe I should change my attitude, lower down my expectation, forget what I have learnt, and accept how the society is going on. Otherwise I could be banished by the society. Another thing I could carry on is keep believing, I should and I will.

昨天去戏院广场溜冰, 6姐准备跟妈妈坐旋转木马, 妈妈说她怕, 所以就搁浅了. 后来5姐回忆, 她说, 咱小时候还真没坐过旋转木马, 不过咱在黄鹤楼旁边坐过飞机, 记得那时候是在黄鹤楼下来去了游乐场, 爸爸给我们买好票, 然后我们两人共一驾, 飞机只有两个按纽, 一个控制高一个控制低. 我也清楚记得那些童年的点滴, 她们总把我当宝贝, 保护着我. 回家过中秋节, 这么多年后大家聚在一起, 喝酒, 赏月, 作诗吟词. 我还是生疏的步伐滑动在广场, 发现身边穿过的年青人滑的好快, 有些帅气的孩子光着膀子倒溜, 有的漂亮的女孩子穿着短裙配着黑马甲快速从我身边穿过, 有几个孩子手拉手, 前面的打头, 带着一群从广场穿梭, 尖叫,欢笑,与汗水衬托着青春. 有个女孩子穿着迷彩装特别酷, 她在一个男孩子面前直打圈圈. 旁边的中年姐姐门跳着健身舞, 还有那么一两对在跳Waltz, 我的一个小外甥在滑板上围着我一圈圈.

躺在床上, 不想醒来, 昨天的生活就象一场梦, 天空总是那么蓝, 你无论去什么地方旅游都不怎么担心有太多人挤在一起. 还有那真正的安静, 人与人之间的距离, 好象这一切一切在慢慢离我远去. 我使劲想抓住, 可惜这些真的在我指间溜走. 我可能需要段时间, 好好适应.

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologise that once again I’m not in love
but it’s not as if I mind that your heart ain’t exactly breaking
it’s just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

I”ve always thought that I would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me
it’s just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

while my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
while I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
well how can I say I’m alive

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

 

今天下午收拾行李发现柜子里的卡片，几年生活累计下来收到的祝福。里面纪录着酸甜苦辣的生活祝福，卡片大多是前几年的，到了最后一年就很少了。看着点滴的祝福，大多数是很真心的祝福。记得第1张是那个意大利女孩Enrica的告别，后来跟她发邮件就杳无音讯。有些人就真的只会出现在你生命中短暂的一时；有些人又会很有缘，几经周折还是能再次相聚。每个新的开始都收到祝福，每个新的转折收到很多启示，或许当时打开卡的当时片并为能真正读懂，时过多日后的今天也能有一丝感动。这几年大多数事情还算满意，除了有一件事情很遗憾，也是快回家思索最多的事情。时光飞逝，最终一样会随风而逝去。不过没有遗憾怎么才能成长？应该慢慢学会用包容看待瞬息万变。

发现自己空间想像能力不是很好，方向感也差，不过分析推断思维还算不错。所以学立体几何非常不擅长，函数与论证到是能掌握的了。不断完善自己是一个泛方向。曹公说“山不厌高，水不厌深；周公吐脯，天下归心”，说的也是同样一个意思。美国那位说”人的第1个阶段是独立自主，第2是为社会承担责任”，目前无疑是走在第1阶段。

去邮局寄了几张卡片，本来自己不是很喜欢搞这些，看着过去收到的祝福还是去寄出了几张，希望收到的人能收到祝福。也希望自己平平安安，踏上新的一步，慢慢长大成人。