Selina told me maybe god was blessing you away from evils that moment, don’t worry, you are safe and it is important. Thanks to her who gives me strengh when I was weak.

Stayed 3 year there, the most impressed time was the last year when I fell I was myself, studied, cooked, drank, traveled, cried, argued, shopped, ironed, smoked of course. I found myself totally enjoyed that kind of mixture, even intended to continue phd studies. Compared to the first 2 years,  when I was easily refusing things that I was not familiar; I stayed with myself most of the time in the 3rd year. Even the living room was small, I was quite at home with the bed, wardrobe, desk, washing basen and the mirror. I cooked almost everyday if I was not in exam time, smoked in the front door of house 5, Hillside Court, chatted with the indian guy, italian boy, french beauty, english gay, and the turkish girl; they were all kind except the english who was quite cheap and enjoyed free food so much. They sent me cards with their wishes before I left the country. Oliver came to study with me when exams were approaching, all he wanted was to improve his academic grades, however, he failed. So after graduation, it seemed he disappeared.

But now, I’m lost again, everywhere is over populated, there is too much change any moment before solid systems will be formed in a long future. Fell I’m not the one when I was in Reading town, little paid with the current work. But what shall I do? People don’t have too much choice here, all I can do is to deceive myself and accept what is called “you are building your foundamental, no one reaches to the top in one day”, am I dreaming of the top? No, not all, all I want is what I deserve. Frencesco the Italian guy who shared the same house with me told me I deserved success, even if I maybe will success in one day, but how can I be myself if I never enjoyed my life?

The second snow in 2009 as I know dropped at the end of September in Chinese calendar, my mum told me it never had happened so early in her life. My father left in the morning, of course with much disappointment. The snow somehow showed my cold heart, like falling to the bottom of the current life cycle. It reminds me when I moved to Reading last year, observing people moving in and moving out, I was wondering where could I go when I graduate. It become an obvious question now. After months’ time hunting for a proper job, I am still waiting right here and staying in the room. I questioned myself and the society, maybe I don’t really know enough about the society, nor am I so outstanding. Initially I was confident, well prepared both mentally and physically when flying back. But when I know more how the capital market functions, and become familiar with how competitive the graduates are, I am lost and find no way; the only last thing left is the little worthless honur. Moreover, the invisible relationship could strongly influence the distribution of the job opportunities.

When I was trying to watch the newly released film about the end of the world, I came across the film about the founding of the country. They began with nothing but ended with everything, it was tough and risky in all the steps. Maybe I should change my attitude, lower down my expectation, forget what I have learnt, and accept how the society is going on. Otherwise I could be banished by the society. Another thing I could carry on is keep believing, I should and I will.

昨天去戏院广场溜冰, 6姐准备跟妈妈坐旋转木马, 妈妈说她怕, 所以就搁浅了. 后来5姐回忆, 她说, 咱小时候还真没坐过旋转木马, 不过咱在黄鹤楼旁边坐过飞机, 记得那时候是在黄鹤楼下来去了游乐场, 爸爸给我们买好票, 然后我们两人共一驾, 飞机只有两个按纽, 一个控制高一个控制低. 我也清楚记得那些童年的点滴, 她们总把我当宝贝, 保护着我. 回家过中秋节, 这么多年后大家聚在一起, 喝酒, 赏月, 作诗吟词. 我还是生疏的步伐滑动在广场, 发现身边穿过的年青人滑的好快, 有些帅气的孩子光着膀子倒溜, 有的漂亮的女孩子穿着短裙配着黑马甲快速从我身边穿过, 有几个孩子手拉手, 前面的打头, 带着一群从广场穿梭, 尖叫,欢笑,与汗水衬托着青春. 有个女孩子穿着迷彩装特别酷, 她在一个男孩子面前直打圈圈. 旁边的中年姐姐门跳着健身舞, 还有那么一两对在跳Waltz, 我的一个小外甥在滑板上围着我一圈圈.

躺在床上, 不想醒来, 昨天的生活就象一场梦, 天空总是那么蓝, 你无论去什么地方旅游都不怎么担心有太多人挤在一起. 还有那真正的安静, 人与人之间的距离, 好象这一切一切在慢慢离我远去. 我使劲想抓住, 可惜这些真的在我指间溜走. 我可能需要段时间, 好好适应.

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologise that once again I’m not in love
but it’s not as if I mind that your heart ain’t exactly breaking
it’s just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

I”ve always thought that I would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me
it’s just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

while my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
while I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
well how can I say I’m alive

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

 

孤独，是东邪与西毒的共同点，一个放荡不羁，一个阴险狡诈。他们都试图忘记过去，忘记过去的情伤。西毒喝完东邪带上桃花送的醉生梦死后一段日子，欧阳锋才明白，世界上根本没有什么醉生梦死能让你忘记过去，你试图忘记一些事情反而会记得更加清晰，你能做的是当不再拥有的时候要告诉自己一定不要忘记。最后西毒重返故乡，终成一方霸主。或许东邪最后也明白这个道理，可是他选择忘记，最后东邪在桃花过世后隐居东海，自称桃岛主，号称东邪。

夕阳武士和洪7是那种活得轰轰烈烈，潇洒自如的人。他们并不孤独。或许这样的人生与我早已失之交臂。

你总能看到自己的影子，或许桃花，桃花，慕容燕，慕容嫣，红7老婆，终为情所困。何不简单一点，就象洪7断了一跟手指后，带上老婆，继续踏上征程。就象夕阳武士一样，明知9死1生，还是与马贼决一死战。如果不能，就象东邪西毒一样，做一个百年孤独吧。

每个人都会有自己最好的打算，即使在最重要的人面前选择时都会包含着自己巨大的私心。不过或许某一天你的阴谋被别人发现了，别人会利用你的手段一样 对待你。我觉得我不需要再留恋太多的过去，那本身就是一个黑洞，永不见底，所以加密上一串字符不让每一次的再读又伤心。又或许我的勇气还不够，因为我已无 法忘怀，无数的黑夜和梦中伴随着一遍又一遍。

而现在只希望自己慢慢上路，能越走越稳。

这几年来blog上友情连接越来越少，想加上时的候发现有的朋友msn space不公众开放，以前网站的朋友一次次的转型只剩下那么一两个了。2.7的版本很强大，都快跟论坛有的比了，个人色彩依然很重，不过难成大气。看看后台，Video, Audio, Image, Text (基于AJAX, CSS) 这些看得见的几乎支持的完美无缺，不支持的都有插件支持。而在用户权限参数上面更加人性化。把评论一些小bug什么的修改一下，加上些非常不错的曲子，如果再加上个flash相册或者视频组就成了msn space了，权衡下来还是尽量保留以前的风格。再把google analytics去掉，一些期待也就不了了之。以前的个人站长都有同样的色彩，经历了那么几年的风雨，掌握了体系后要么做成了有模有样的，要么就留下一个小blog作为风雨的避风港。心酸的路，却有这么多人选择。最好笑的就是老鬼说的“生了孩子后叫他多去酒吧，要学会一夜情也别碰网络”。

觉得应该去看些书，不是非常理性的分析，争论不休的文摘，而是一些生活的体验。就象有的人，非常不怕冷也要去旅游，还能写出千丝万缕的思绪；还有的人能幻想很多非常浪漫的故事。这些自己非常缺乏，以前把风险理解错了，总是觉得挑战一些难的东西叫风险；其实风险指的是波动变化，简单的说是去应对相对较大的变化。很多人跟自己一样，用无限的眼光看世界，却不敢改变，即使无限放大可能行，明天依然无法去预测；更重要的是态度与胆量。这些早以刻在心里了，又如何去变呢。跟portfolio theory+utility theory非常相似。

其实blog写得密了就发现写着写着边没什么想写的，也很想出去走走，小lucy提议说复活节一起去北爱，我觉得非常好，好久没去旅游了，也好久没拍些照片了，去看看陌生的地方，跟朋友一起无拘无束。不过现在也还不错，最少不会太过孤立，也去接近些相处了半年的同学，一些交谈什么的打发课间的间隙。有很多地方值得去，欧洲和一些英国本地的都还没踏上去走一走，越是到后来越是珍惜最后的时光。

转眼又是星期五的凌晨，我的睡眠越来越差，早上起床要么会口非常干，要么会头痛，不过很少想家。觉得应该改变下态度，面对那么多的人和事，多放开后果，去享受平稳的过程。老爹说的对，“赠人玫瑰，手有余香”。