Dream of Invocation

It’s funny that I was used to write blog in Chinese when I was in UK but in English after I’m back, when you are used to behave like speaking or thinking in one language you try to differentiate, maybe that’s what I have done and doing in the recent 4 years. A girl came to see me at the end of July; I went back home to celebrate my newphew’s university entrance ceremorny at the begining of August; and my mun and a niece came to see me, we had another wonderful travel again together.  So in general, I was exhausted in August, rush with my work in July. Nothing changes but me, still my career objective is the concern above all others. Still quite determined with my plan, but little achivement has been made. After came back for more than a full year, the social culture made me change, I have to be less gentle with others in airports, railway stations, underground, taxi spots, restaurants, hotels, and even to my colleagues; I have to depend entirely upon myself to take care of my body, property, private information. That’s what I fell and what I’m doing in my home country. There is a balance of weights between my dreamed life and my pursued career, the main reason I came back is to start my full-time work, but I really don’t like the culture here. Indeed a lot of people take care of you, but less independent between individuals, some have more information and others have less, as a result information asymmetry is often used by others to gain more.

I found I’m losing my past days and days after working here, I tried to keep my independence and hobbies, it seems difficult for me. I have no time updating my music playlist, I’m even forgetting the days traveling and laughing with old friends; we are all living under strong pressure like finding a decent job, being paid with a satisfied salary; planning buying a house and maybe a car; being engaged and even getting married. Frankly, I have no sense of marriage or buying a house, even my father bought me a house and pushed me into marriage, it’s like an investment to me since our stock market is dominated by the government and investors are not interesting in capital market investing but in real estate bubble and lending activities.

Despite everything I loss, I’m really lucky compared with myself, even I targeted a job like an analyst or a trader, but I’m working in a relatively relaxed environment, I’m learning managerial skills like process improvement, right requirements documenting, problem analysis and solutions providing. Statistical analytical skills and financial statement analysis are often included, so it seems I can manage my work and have the chance to learn what I lack of. Whatever, I will keep on trying until I can give in.

I found a pleasant music about scotland with the name <Highland Cathedral>, maybe you’ll like it if you try searching in Youku. Tomorrow is my father’s birthday, happy birthday to my Dad.

It’s been a long time since I wrote last time, since I had no my own laptop in the past several months, but I bought one last week and it works perfectly now. Mom’s birthday is coming, she and my father are stepping into their 70ths. I’m not quite prepared what it will be if they are as old as I know from others. They were strong, selfless, fairness, and tolerant all through their life, many believe they deserve happiness, so much I do. Happy birthday Mom!

Selina and her friends came last week, and we had a wonderful reunion traveling in Shenzhen. It was quite  happy to see friends again, both of us regard the UK studying life as the most valuable memories in our life.

My current work is stressful, not only heavily loaded but also difficult, there are plenty of voices in one single point, and changes dramatically. Strongly related to strategic management and marking, and a little accounting. It’s far from my academic background and my pursued dream. Many times decisions are made far from the principles if managers would like to. The only choice left is just ignore your own mind and accept whatever others decide.

Have’t read any book for long, or prepared to learn.I should keep on learning, for a long time did I realise the truth of academics and theories. But in practice, you just use a tiny point and may be used differently with people involved. Maybe you just dislike it. Reviewed my alumni, they are working in good companies and some promoted to senior management level, I did not expect if I could be as outstanding as them, but I really wish if I can have a chance to do what I can, what I’m interested and what I want to. Many asked me why I come back, maybe because I miss understood our social system and I fared being challenged living there. I thought there is a great demand for analysts or associates in China, it’s not the same as I expected. Living there and hunting a job was descried like climbing to roof without a ladder, I did not even tried. As I remembered, I thought the study plan was finished with a master degree, and there was no one I for me to stay, so I booked a ticket and flied back so soon. But now I do not think so, I lost my love and my life there. For nights I dreamed, how much did I wish not to weak up, how many times did I told myself that’s not true in dreams.

It’s funny I start to recall things happened in the first several months after I went to UK. The red door of the kitchen, the cold morning in august, the first time I went out traveling in llandudno, the first time being lectured by J. Williams, the first time I saw her in lecture room 4. The first time I emptied a cup of red wine, the first time I light up a cigarette. It’s the freedom of willing I miss, but it can never come back again even everyone is beside in Bangor, maybe we’ve all grown up.

I was fucked on the way from Wuhan to Guangzhou south, my loved  MAC was stolen when I opened my bag the next day, instead there were 2 magazines,  can’t imagin how the bloody thief did that and took it away. I was carefully all the way, but accident did happened. However, it might be another lesson though in this society, where there is no security, pricipal or even body safety. I should depend entirely upon myself, otherwise there will be endless unexpectation keep coming in my next journeys. It seems everyone is in rush, everyone lives under strong pressure. There are many extrordinarily important data that I never backed up in the hard drive, so they lost forever. Can’t read financial news, economic activities, or even check my personal email and instant message. But in that morning, perfect peace and quiet was left for me in such big office, My brain was empty with too much load, it took me back to the past memories in U.K. with friends, when were all happy, had dreams, travelled, and a lot to strike for. I hope they could happen again, indeed I do.

Selina told me maybe god was blessing you away from evils that moment, don’t worry, you are safe and it is important. Thanks to her who gives me strengh when I was weak.

Stayed 3 year there, the most impressed time was the last year when I fell I was myself, studied, cooked, drank, traveled, cried, argued, shopped, ironed, smoked of course. I found myself totally enjoyed that kind of mixture, even intended to continue phd studies. Compared to the first 2 years,  when I was easily refusing things that I was not familiar; I stayed with myself most of the time in the 3rd year. Even the living room was small, I was quite at home with the bed, wardrobe, desk, washing basen and the mirror. I cooked almost everyday if I was not in exam time, smoked in the front door of house 5, Hillside Court, chatted with the indian guy, italian boy, french beauty, english gay, and the turkish girl; they were all kind except the english who was quite cheap and enjoyed free food so much. They sent me cards with their wishes before I left the country. Oliver came to study with me when exams were approaching, all he wanted was to improve his academic grades, however, he failed. So after graduation, it seemed he disappeared.

But now, I’m lost again, everywhere is over populated, there is too much change any moment before solid systems will be formed in a long future. Fell I’m not the one when I was in Reading town, little paid with the current work. But what shall I do? People don’t have too much choice here, all I can do is to deceive myself and accept what is called “you are building your foundamental, no one reaches to the top in one day”, am I dreaming of the top? No, not all, all I want is what I deserve. Frencesco the Italian guy who shared the same house with me told me I deserved success, even if I maybe will success in one day, but how can I be myself if I never enjoyed my life?