Dream of Invocation

It’s been a long time since I wrote last time, since I had no my own laptop in the past several months, but I bought one last week and it works perfectly now. Mom’s birthday is coming, she and my father are stepping into their 70ths. I’m not quite prepared what it will be if they are as old as I know from others. They were strong, selfless, fairness, and tolerant all through their life, many believe they deserve happiness, so much I do. Happy birthday Mom!

Selina and her friends came last week, and we had a wonderful reunion traveling in Shenzhen. It was quite  happy to see friends again, both of us regard the UK studying life as the most valuable memories in our life.

My current work is stressful, not only heavily loaded but also difficult, there are plenty of voices in one single point, and changes dramatically. Strongly related to strategic management and marking, and a little accounting. It’s far from my academic background and my pursued dream. Many times decisions are made far from the principles if managers would like to. The only choice left is just ignore your own mind and accept whatever others decide.

Have’t read any book for long, or prepared to learn.I should keep on learning, for a long time did I realise the truth of academics and theories. But in practice, you just use a tiny point and may be used differently with people involved. Maybe you just dislike it. Reviewed my alumni, they are working in good companies and some promoted to senior management level, I did not expect if I could be as outstanding as them, but I really wish if I can have a chance to do what I can, what I’m interested and what I want to. Many asked me why I come back, maybe because I miss understood our social system and I fared being challenged living there. I thought there is a great demand for analysts or associates in China, it’s not the same as I expected. Living there and hunting a job was descried like climbing to roof without a ladder, I did not even tried. As I remembered, I thought the study plan was finished with a master degree, and there was no one I for me to stay, so I booked a ticket and flied back so soon. But now I do not think so, I lost my love and my life there. For nights I dreamed, how much did I wish not to weak up, how many times did I told myself that’s not true in dreams.

It’s funny I start to recall things happened in the first several months after I went to UK. The red door of the kitchen, the cold morning in august, the first time I went out traveling in llandudno, the first time being lectured by J. Williams, the first time I saw her in lecture room 4. The first time I emptied a cup of red wine, the first time I light up a cigarette. It’s the freedom of willing I miss, but it can never come back again even everyone is beside in Bangor, maybe we’ve all grown up.

I was fucked on the way from Wuhan to Guangzhou south, my loved  MAC was stolen when I opened my bag the next day, instead there were 2 magazines,  can’t imagin how the bloody thief did that and took it away. I was carefully all the way, but accident did happened. However, it might be another lesson though in this society, where there is no security, pricipal or even body safety. I should depend entirely upon myself, otherwise there will be endless unexpectation keep coming in my next journeys. It seems everyone is in rush, everyone lives under strong pressure. There are many extrordinarily important data that I never backed up in the hard drive, so they lost forever. Can’t read financial news, economic activities, or even check my personal email and instant message. But in that morning, perfect peace and quiet was left for me in such big office, My brain was empty with too much load, it took me back to the past memories in U.K. with friends, when were all happy, had dreams, travelled, and a lot to strike for. I hope they could happen again, indeed I do.

Selina told me maybe god was blessing you away from evils that moment, don’t worry, you are safe and it is important. Thanks to her who gives me strengh when I was weak.

Stayed 3 year there, the most impressed time was the last year when I fell I was myself, studied, cooked, drank, traveled, cried, argued, shopped, ironed, smoked of course. I found myself totally enjoyed that kind of mixture, even intended to continue phd studies. Compared to the first 2 years,  when I was easily refusing things that I was not familiar; I stayed with myself most of the time in the 3rd year. Even the living room was small, I was quite at home with the bed, wardrobe, desk, washing basen and the mirror. I cooked almost everyday if I was not in exam time, smoked in the front door of house 5, Hillside Court, chatted with the indian guy, italian boy, french beauty, english gay, and the turkish girl; they were all kind except the english who was quite cheap and enjoyed free food so much. They sent me cards with their wishes before I left the country. Oliver came to study with me when exams were approaching, all he wanted was to improve his academic grades, however, he failed. So after graduation, it seemed he disappeared.

But now, I’m lost again, everywhere is over populated, there is too much change any moment before solid systems will be formed in a long future. Fell I’m not the one when I was in Reading town, little paid with the current work. But what shall I do? People don’t have too much choice here, all I can do is to deceive myself and accept what is called “you are building your foundamental, no one reaches to the top in one day”, am I dreaming of the top? No, not all, all I want is what I deserve. Frencesco the Italian guy who shared the same house with me told me I deserved success, even if I maybe will success in one day, but how can I be myself if I never enjoyed my life?

再次回到家忽然觉得对这么熟悉的地方多了几分留恋。想到小时候看过的武侠电视剧，总是希望自己能象里面的主人公行走江湖、逢凶化吉、行侠仗义、遇贵人、会美人。而这些好像跟自己现在的生活并不搭边，不知何时自己很容易看到危机、变的迟疑猜忌，让自己止步不前。

觉得自己的生活总是迷失一陈子接着目标的清晰。迷失是因为遇到困难很容易逃避，清晰是新的转机出现时候又变得野心勃勃。姐姐说我是个逃兵，我心服口服。遇到困难时，自己总容易想到退路，而且很容易踏上去，加上一大堆理由说服别人，欺骗自己。而自己又暗暗觉得失去的可惜，当修整和准备都差不多的时候又试图自负得觉得自己没什么困难战胜不了。

或许这也正是生活的连续，自己现在在迷失的阶段，也是很难走的一段经历。就象推迟一年去英国的那些日子，后来觉得自己能胜任在英国的学习；就象在英国有可能去不了好大学读硕士的阶段，后来去了ICMA学了自己最想学的专业；就象现在离自己定位很遥远，祈祷自己能一步步实现自己的目标。

记得Oliver问过我: are you going to marry after you graduate? 我说no, I haven’t think about baby or something like that, I really dislike children. 他说: life is different of stages, you probably won’t believe what you said when you are ready.